Boomerang...
PAUSE (pôz)
v. paused, paus·ing, paus·es
To cease or suspend an action temporarily.
To linger; tarry…
A hesitation…
A temporary cessation.
Everything in my life right now is mellowing into mediocrity.
I’m having trouble seeing.
I’m having trouble hearing.
I’m finding it really hard to think with any hint of assurance.
I’m mystified trying to make sense out of everything, and even nothing…when I know that the flickers of joy and clarity are often found within the nothing.
Nothing is everything.
I am usually an analyser of the nothing.
And assessor, addresser, observer, reveller and purveyor of the nothing.
My daily missives are consumed by nothing, and revel in nothing, yet at the moment, none of it seems to work.
I feel static.
I feel meaningless.
The most frightening part is that I probably am.
On my way home from work just now (I’ve started a second job) I was positive.
Ready to launch into a fantastically colourful post about how I’ve been gone four days and it feels like forever.
About how I’ve missed it.
And then I start googling a definition to intro…
To cease or suspend an action temporarily.
To linger; tarry…
A hesitation…
A temporary cessation.
Everything in my life right now is mellowing into mediocrity.
I’m having trouble seeing.
I’m having trouble hearing.
I’m finding it really hard to think with any hint of assurance.
I’m mystified trying to make sense out of everything, and even nothing…when I know that the flickers of joy and clarity are often found within the nothing.
Nothing is everything.
I am usually an analyser of the nothing.
And assessor, addresser, observer, reveller and purveyor of the nothing.
My daily missives are consumed by nothing, and revel in nothing, yet at the moment, none of it seems to work.
I feel static.
I feel meaningless.
The most frightening part is that I probably am.
On my way home from work just now (I’ve started a second job) I was positive.
Ready to launch into a fantastically colourful post about how I’ve been gone four days and it feels like forever.
About how I’ve missed it.
And then I start googling a definition to intro…
because i'm in one of those moods...
and I find myself typing ‘mediocrity’… ‘indifference’…
Feelings are funny things.
I’m tempted to preach my disdain for all things emotional.
But that would be false.
I just wish I understood more right now.
I feel like I’m living a mediocre life.
I feel like I’m making no headway in any which direction.
I feel like just packing it in and flying off to backpack away my troubles.
I feel like I’m treading water, and my legs are getting tired.
I feel like I’m failing…the expectations of others and myself.
I feel like I should be somewhere by now.
Somewhere else.
I am terrified that I won’t get somewhere good.
I am terrified that I won’t work it out.
I am scared that this is all there is…and this isn’t much.
I worry that the end will hit me before I’ve even begun.
My insides twist and lurch at the prospect of not making anything more.
Of not becoming someone.
Of not finding myself or my direction.
I fear sounding like a broken record.
I fear that I may emanate boredom.
Ooze monotony.
I fear that this is tiring.
It’s wearing me out…and I don’t want to wear out my friends here either.
My daily life is full of shiny happy people.
I’m one of those.
Sometimes.
Until moments like these…where the letter Q and associated questions start tugging at me.
Just lightly…niggling…telling me they’re all still there.
And when they yank…and they hurt…
The boomerang of my mind and heart swings right on back.
And I can’t throw it far enough away.
Feelings are funny things.
I’m tempted to preach my disdain for all things emotional.
But that would be false.
I just wish I understood more right now.
I feel like I’m living a mediocre life.
I feel like I’m making no headway in any which direction.
I feel like just packing it in and flying off to backpack away my troubles.
I feel like I’m treading water, and my legs are getting tired.
I feel like I’m failing…the expectations of others and myself.
I feel like I should be somewhere by now.
Somewhere else.
I am terrified that I won’t get somewhere good.
I am terrified that I won’t work it out.
I am scared that this is all there is…and this isn’t much.
I worry that the end will hit me before I’ve even begun.
My insides twist and lurch at the prospect of not making anything more.
Of not becoming someone.
Of not finding myself or my direction.
I fear sounding like a broken record.
I fear that I may emanate boredom.
Ooze monotony.
I fear that this is tiring.
It’s wearing me out…and I don’t want to wear out my friends here either.
My daily life is full of shiny happy people.
I’m one of those.
Sometimes.
Until moments like these…where the letter Q and associated questions start tugging at me.
Just lightly…niggling…telling me they’re all still there.
And when they yank…and they hurt…
The boomerang of my mind and heart swings right on back.
And I can’t throw it far enough away.
posted by auburn at 5:54 PM
16 Comments:
honey, you're not alone. i have been feeling much the same way lately. and so have most of my friends. not sure what it is. must be something in the air. now the true test is, how many have the motivation to end out mediocrity. i hope you do, as i am trying myself. so i raise a glass to you my dear aubs. here's to doing something. anything. cheers.
You worry too much.
Auby, to fail is to learn. (Can anyone say trite advice?) I have done plenty of that over the last 9 years, and I have been broken over it sometimes. There will be better days, and your future is filled with endless possibilities.
For the life of me, I can't understand your feelings of loneliness or fear of failure in the man department, since you have, at your own count, four different fellows interested in getting to know you more.
I have one that exact thing: started out feeling positive, and some unforseen thought turns thought sour, making your writing and mood bitter. Odd thing, the human mind.
Ah, yes the doubt creeps in. It happens to us all Babe.
Not everyone gets magic handed to them right off the bat. Those that do don't appreciate it.
Your extraordinary life is coming, Darlin. I mean the talent, the beauty and the fire that I've come to know as Auburn deserves nothing less than Magic.
It will arrive.
Just give it some time.
Rome wasn't built in a day.
When that magic does appear, and I know it will it will be astounding.
Keep your chin up Babe.
The world needs more bright stars like you;)
We all feel like it. But, I know you will be able to break free of it. I've heard one of the best ways is to "jump the groove." People get stuck in doing their same old routines, and they start to feel like they have lead weights strapped to their legs. So, to get out of that, do something out of character. It can be something simple. If you always listen to one kind of music when you drive, change the station. Wear a different color than you normally do. For extremes, get a tattoo or something pierced. Do something silly. Get some finger paints, some friends, and some vodka and see what comes of it.
Good luck, luv. You get two hugs from me today.
I know exactly how you feel, and I think everyone has those days sometimes too. To keep my chin up however, I do one of three things.
1. Watch a completely sad but true documentary about what life is like outside my own little bubble. Usually this shocks me into the reality that my life is not that bad, and I should be grateful for where I am. This also sometimes make me cry (I don't usually) and that release a lot of bad feelings.
2. Go a get a few bottles of wine, drink myself under the table (and those who know me, knows this take a TON of booze to do) and then proceed to drunk dial any one of my close friends and have a mental breakdown over the phone. End result - they come over with Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, box of Kleenex and Tylenol, and let me finish my little meltdown until there's nothing left.
3. I put on some cheesy 80's music, turn it up loud and pay homage to Tom Cruise Risky Business style and dance in my undies till I can't dance no more. Most of the time I fall over laughing after I catch a glimpse in the mirror and see how ridiculous I look.
Whatever you do, just remember everyone has these days.
How do I change?
If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labour.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.
-Og Mandino, “The Greatest Salesman in the World”
p.s. Sorry this is so long ;)
"this to shall pass"
I have felt and still feel for the most part how static times in my life have been. How do I get out of them? I don't know, just keep plugging away, keep going out and meeting people, keep beating up on myself to get back in school, keep reinventing my goals and every once in awhile something shifts. And then I get up the next day and keeping walking forward. Clarity doesn't happen easily, or perhaps it is because I did not stop to really focus that it evaded me, I don't know. But I guess my point is, keep the faith, in yourself and in the universe. Give god or whomever a shout out and see if that lessens your burden a little. lots of love dear Auburn.
Underlying subconscious feelings are often very different to conscious ones....
You just said everything I've been thinking and feeling.
Love you.
Lovely smile
Would you want to rewind or fast forward now?
Auby it's your face!
*runs off*
Auby, its your face.
(kisses the screen and gets a mouthful of dust)
Thanks Chuddy:)
MOtivation to end mediocrity...nice...
Cheers.
Jobe, shuddup.
KingBilly, yes...to fail is to learn. Not trite at all. The man department doesn't even warrant discussion at the moment. Let's just say i have a chronic disease called singledom and I don't think it will ever pass.
True...*wipes away a tear*...
Thankyou.
I know Rome wasn't built in a day. I know it. Sometimes, it's jsut hard to know it.
Mike, two hugs! Yay! As for doing something different, i've been SO tempted to do all sorts of crazy things this week, it's been surreal... i've just gotta let go of the reins for a weekend i think. I might start with vodka and finger painting. Deep end...yeah!
20-Questions, i'm going to print that out and stick it in my daily planner. Amen to all of that. I'm off to dance in my undies to cheesy 80s music! Woohoo!
Natalie, pure wisdom. :)
Thanks Jane, that was truly beautiful...and exactly what i needed to hear. I always think of Dorey(sp?) from Finding Nemo. 'Just keep swimming just keep swimming'...
*hug*
Leila, i don't much like either at the moment!
Meg, love you too. That is all that is necessary right there:)
Trueborn, waaaa thaaaankyooo.
Master Enigma...i think i'll have to answer that in a post. I don't know. I'll get back to you.
Am i that scary Jobe? Sheesh.
Mike, rub it in why don't you! Hehe...
Just a hint with the dancing thing don't leave your curtains open. Could lead to some rather embarrasing akward pauses.
um...
;)
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